So many unhealthy relationship dynamics are fueled by poor communication expertise.
As a Harvard-trained psychologist who has spent 20 years working with {couples}, I’ve discovered that the most damaging solution to talk together with your companion is with contempt.
Contempt is the perception that an individual is beneath you, nugatory, or deserving of scorn and mock. When somebody feels contempt for his or her companion, they really feel justified in humiliating, embarrassing, or hurting them.
One phrase that displays contempt, and that I’ve seen destroy relationships the most, is: “I wish we’d never met.”
Here are another phrases that contempt may present up in:
- “You’ve ruined my life.”
- “You’re a nuisance.”
- “I don’t care about what you think or how you feel.”
- “You’re pathetic.”
- “You’re not worth my time.”
- “You owe me. I’ve put up with you for years.”
- “If we didn’t have kids, I would have left you by now.”
- “You disgust me.”
- “No one else would want you.”Â
Contempt can be communicated by non-verbal gestures, like dismissive physique language or dramatic eye-rolls.
All of this serves to demean the different particular person and create an influence discrepancy. It can ultimately ruin the basis of a wholesome romantic connection and result in decrease relationship satisfaction.
How to create more healthy relationship dynamics
If you discover that you simply really feel some contempt on your companion, there are methods to battle it in order that it would not harm your relationship:
- Pause. When you feel triggered or emotionally upset, take a second earlier than you say something. Choose your phrases rigorously and purpose to speak with respect and kindness, not hurt.
- Take accountability. This consists of acknowledging your decisions, your patterns, and your engagement in dysfunction.
- Apologize. Sincerely say you are sorry if you do one thing hurtful or mean-spirited.
- Learn to argue productively. You and your companion are a crew. The objective is to speak in ways in which acknowledge your dedication, need to attach, and mutual respect for each other.
- Tap into your love on your companion. When you need to criticize or change them, bear in mind why you bought collectively in the first place earlier than giving constructive suggestions.
The greatest piece of recommendation I give to folks is to attempt to discover gratitude. There is all the time one thing to be realized from discord in {our relationships}. Look for one thing optimistic you could take away from each interplay, even when the course of is unsettling.Â
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, is a board-certified psychologist and creator of “Letting Go of Your Ex.” She focuses on love addition and breakups, and obtained her medical coaching at Harvard Medical School. She has written nearly 50 peer-reviewed journal articles and delivered greater than 75 displays on the psychology of relationships. Follow her on Instagram @DrCortneyWarren.
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