We’ve all needed to take care of passive aggressiveness sooner or later. A boss raises a dismissive eyebrow while you communicate, or a buddy packing containers you out of the dialog at a bunch brunch.
But the strains are sometimes blurred. I definitely struggled with this myself, which is why I spent a lot of my career at Harvard researching body language and communication.
I at all times suggest taking the excessive highway, reasonably than firing again or being hostile. Here are three signs of passive aggressive or infantile habits, and find out how to reply successfully:
1. Extreme brevity
You ship your boss an electronic mail asking, “Should we go ahead and schedule a meeting with this potential client?” — and they reply with a curt, one-word reply like “yes,” “fine” or “OK.”
Some individuals merely choose to offer brief, to-the-point solutions. But when you discover that they are principally responding this solution to you, and to not others, then this degree of brevity could be a sign of passive aggressiveness.
How to reply:
- Ask clarifying questions: “Thanks! What day and time works best for you?” or “Is there anyone else I should invite?”
- Keep your cool: Don’t take the bait. Stay centered within the current and keep away from performing defensively.
- Use humor: Humor is a good way to diffuse stress. You may say, “If we don’t land them as a client, at least we got a free meal on the company!”
- Gently deal with it: This may be useful in some circumstances. The objective is to indicate real intent and a want to grasp: “I feel you might be upset with me. Is this right?”
2. Slow responses                Â
Getting the silent therapy can present up as delayed emails or texts, and even ghosting habits.
Being on the receiving finish of these actions can set off what I name “timing anxiety,” an intense fear we really feel after we discover ourselves questioning about all of the doable meanings behind the gradual responses.
Unfortunately, there are not any hard-and-fast guidelines to know for positive if somebody is utilizing silence as a deliberate slight, or whether it is simply an oversight.
How to reply:
- Don’t soar to conclusions. Unless it is vital that you just get a reply ASAP, keep in mind that you by no means actually know what somebody goes via. Maybe they’ve loads on their plate, or are coping with private points.
- Send a mild reminder: Some individuals genuinely overlook, so a follow-up may be useful: “I know you’re very busy. But when you get a chance, I’d love to chat about this.”
- Switch to a distinct mode of communication: If you comply with up twice with no response, strive sending a piece DM as an alternative of an electronic mail. Or swing by their workplace if they are not answering their cellphone.
3. Change from casual to formal language
If you are texting and emailing with somebody and they alter their tone from casual to formal out of nowhere, it would imply they’re making an attempt to say energy.
An analogous state of affairs could be a buddy who’s all of a sudden very chilly or indifferent of their language over textual content. For instance, going from “Yea, that sounds like fun!” to “Sure, whatever.”
How to reply:
- Don’t robotically assume they’re indignant with you: It’s simple to leap to the conclusion that you’re being singled out, however that is typically not the case. In reality, their habits could don’t have anything to do with you.
- Reach out by cellphone, video chat, or in particular person: It may be laborious to decipher how somebody actually feels via digital communication. Reach out in a extra personable manner and clarify the supply of your nervousness. Don’t be apologetic or accusatory. Just be trustworthy and ask for clarification. This will aid you construct belief and connection, regardless of the space.
Erica Dhawan is a Harvard researcher, keynote speaker and creator of “Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance.” She can also be the founder and CEO of Cotential, an organization that has helped leaders and groups leverage collaboration expertise. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericadhawan.
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