I remember a moment that changed how I viewed compliments. I was working a dinner shift at a fancy Manhattan steakhouse. An older man, dressed sharply in a three-piece suit, called me over after I served his table. He smiled and said, “You’re doing such a good job. You should be proud.”
On the surface, that seems nice. But something in his tone felt patronizing, almost as if he was petting a dog. A colleague later shared that he had complimented her too but added, “You’re so articulate for a waitress.”
After years in fine dining, I’ve come across many condescending compliments. It seems that some people, often from a particular generation, deliver these remarks without even realizing it.
Most folks mean well, but good intentions don’t always translate into positive impacts. Here’s what I’ve noticed in my years in the industry:
### “You’re too smart to be doing this job.”
This is a common line. People think they’re recognizing your intelligence, but what they’re really saying is that service work is beneath someone smart.
I’ve seen servers with master’s degrees working alongside those paying for medical school. And guess what? I was earning as much as many of my friends who went straight into corporate jobs. Restaurants attract all kinds of people for various reasons. Some are building careers; others are funding their dreams.
### “You must be working here to put yourself through college.”
This comment assumes restaurant work is just a temporary gig, not a career choice. I’ve met servers in their 40s and 50s, professionals who have spent decades mastering their craft. They’ve chosen this field for its passion, not because they have no other options. Many make a great living in high-end establishments.
### “You’re so articulate.”
This one is problematic. It suggests that people in service roles are expected to speak poorly. I recall a colleague who spoke four languages but was still surprised by a guest’s shock at her ability to communicate. Servers are professionals who manage complex interactions daily. Being articulate is the standard, not a rarity.
### “Good for you for having a job.”
It’s strange to say this to someone already performing a skilled job, as if it’s commendable just to show up. Would you say the same to your doctor or accountant? It’s a dismissive comment that undermines the professionalism of servers.
### “You have such a great attitude for someone in your position.”
This implies that working in hospitality is inherently unenjoyable, suggesting that being pleasant requires extra effort. In many cultures, service work is actually held in high regard.
### “You’re going places.”
This comment assumes that the server’s current role is merely temporary as they work toward something “better.” But they might already be exactly where they want to be. A mentor of mine once said, “I’ve already been places. This is where I choose to be now.”
### “You could be a model/actor/anything else…”
This suggests a person’s looks or charm are wasted in their current role. Many servers are pursuing their dreams while working in hospitality. They choose to be in this role for the flexibility or satisfaction it offers.
### Final Thoughts
The best compliment you can give a server is to treat them as the professional they are. A specific thank-you is far more meaningful than a backhanded remark.
Recent surveys show that consumers increasingly value respect and recognition for service workers’ skills and experiences. As society shifts towards valuing workers across various fields, it’s essential to practice genuine appreciation without condescension.
So next time, recognize a server’s expertise or hard work. Acknowledging their contributions fosters a better atmosphere for everyone. And remember, treating someone as if they belong is perhaps the most generous compliment of all.
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