We’re shaped by our early experiences, often before we even know how to express the concept of “home.” When our surroundings are filled with raised voices or eerie silences, our nervous systems start to keep track of these moments.
Trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk states that “trauma is the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body.” I’ve seen how this imprint can show up years later in various parts of life—like work meetings or family gatherings.
Here are seven common habits I’ve noticed in adults who grew up in chaotic environments. If you find some resonate, remember: you’re not alone, and it’s possible to change these patterns.
Hyper-Scanning the Environment
Are you quick to notice even the slightest change in a coworker’s mood? That instinct to stay alert often comes from needing to feel safe in the past. This hypervigilance can lead to exhaustion and stress. Research indicates that constant stress can increase cortisol levels, affecting sleep and memory. To combat this, when you enter a new place, focus on one calming detail around you, like the warmth of sunlight or a friendly voice. This simple adjustment can help your mind relax.Over-Functioning Under Pressure
Do you pride yourself on being overly responsible? Many people develop this trait as children, feeling that they must manage everything to avoid chaos. Yet, this often pushes others away. Child psychiatrist Bruce D. Perry notes that “relationships are the agents of change.” Allowing others to help you is crucial. Start by accepting small offers of assistance, whether it’s letting a friend choose a movie or asking for help when you need it. It can change how you view support.Confusing Calm with Boredom
If your past was chaotic, peaceful moments may feel unsettling. You might find yourself seeking drama, whether through arguments or endless scrolling on social media, just to feel something. To build a healthier balance, try scheduling activities that create a positive adrenaline rush, like a fun workout or a dance class. It can satisfy that craving for intensity without the negative impact.Reading Conflict as Catastrophe
When someone says, “We need to talk,” does your heart race? Many people internalize conflict as a threat, recalling painful childhood arguments. To reshape this reaction, identify the topic of the discussion and the context; remind yourself that you’re no longer in that unsafe environment. This mental step can help reduce anxiety during tough conversations.Swinging Between People-Pleasing and Disappearing
Growing up with unpredictable moods may lead you to either try to please everyone or completely withdraw when feeling overwhelmed. Understanding this pattern is vital. Before agreeing to something or retreating, ask yourself what you truly want in that moment. Acknowledging your own needs helps build healthier relationships.Collecting Clutter or Embracing Minimalism
Some people accumulate items as a way to feel secure, while others eliminate excess to avoid attachment. Both behaviors stem from a desire for control. Gradually choose to let go of one item or cherish one special item each week. This process helps shift the all-or-nothing mindset.Laughing Off Achievements
Did your achievements go unnoticed as a child, or were they met with indifference? If so, you might downplay your wins as an adult, saying things like, “It was nothing.” Practice accepting compliments with gratitude. Sharing a detail you’re proud of among trusted friends can help you feel more valued.
In Conclusion
Healing from trauma is often a slow process. It involves giving yourself permission to rest and enjoy peace without sabotaging those moments. This week, try to observe one of these habits. Instead of seeing it as a flaw, recognize it as a survival skill that kept you safe.
Also, surround yourself with supportive people and calming spaces. Change may seem gradual, but with consistency, you can rewrite your story. Your journey and the life you’re building matter. Small, gentle steps lead to lasting transformation.
