Three years ago, I nearly lost one of my closest friendships. It all started because I didn’t understand the importance of boundaries.
Maggie and I became friends in college. We had the kind of bond where we could chat about anything at 2 AM, from work stress to whether oat milk is good in coffee. But as she started dating seriously, things changed. Her new partner wasn’t thrilled about our late-night talks or coffee dates.
That’s when I learned something crucial: setting boundaries with friends isn’t about being distant. It’s about making space for real connections that respect everyone’s romantic relationships, including your own.
Know Your Relationship Status
It may seem basic, but clarity on relationship dynamics is often overlooked. When I was single, I treated my friendships like they were separate from my dating life. I would go on coffee dates without mentioning my dating life to my friends.
When Maggie started dating seriously, I understood that our friendship needed to adjust. This wasn’t about her partner being controlling, but recognizing the need for space in healthy relationships. The key is honesty. Share where you are in your romantic life and create room for your friends to do the same.
Avoid Being Each Other’s Emotional Spouse
Have you ever taken on the role of an “emotional husband”? This term refers to a friend who fills the emotional needs that should be met by a partner. I used to be Maggie’s emotional source for everything from work stress to family drama. I felt like a good friend, but this dynamic held her back from forming romantic connections.
Setting boundaries means knowing when to step back. Offer support, but encourage your friends to seek help from professionals or talk to their partners.
Respect Your Friends’ Partners
It can be tempting to critique your friend’s partner, especially if you don’t like them. I used to do this with Jess when her boyfriend seemed controlling. I thought I was being protective, but I was actually overstepping.
The goal is to stay supportive without questioning their choices unless there’s a serious issue. If something concerns you, ask open questions instead of making criticisms. Respecting their relationship doesn’t mean you have to like their partner; it just means being a friend.
Set Clear Physical Boundaries
Physical closeness is great in friendships, but it can lead to misunderstandings. A simple hug might suggest intimacy to one person but feel casual to another. You might think you’re being friendly, but it could come off differently to your partner or friend.
By establishing clear physical boundaries, you avoid creating confusion. Shorter hugs and being aware of personal space can maintain closeness without risking misinterpretation.
Compliment Wisely
Compliments should uplift, not imply something deeper. Focusing on physical looks can create awkward dynamics. Instead of saying, “You look amazing,” opt for “You did a great job on that project.” This keeps compliments friendly and appropriate.
Limit Personal Oversharing
Talking about your love life can create uncomfortable situations for friends. Sharing too much about fights or intimate details can blur boundaries. It’s important to keep the details to a minimum. Update your friends on your life, but keep intimate moments private to protect both your relationship and friendship.
Secrecy Is a Red Flag
If your friendship feels like it needs to be hidden, that’s a bad sign. Deleting texts or picking calls when your partner isn’t around indicates intimacy that’s probably not healthy. Instead, be open about your friendships. Transparency builds trust and keeps friendships healthy.
Why Boundaries Matter
After setting these boundaries, my friendships grew stronger. Boundaries create space for genuine connections. They clarify expectations and prevent misunderstandings. Although friends may be puzzled at first, those who care will adapt.
True friendships thrive on clear communication and mutual respect. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is step back or speak up at the right time.
Setting boundaries isn’t about building walls; it’s about creating an environment where friendships and romantic relationships can coexist without tension. The best friendships are based on respect and understanding, leading to healthier, deeper connections for everyone involved.
For further insights on healthy relationships, check out this research on friendship dynamics.
