It was a relaxed Sunday dinner last spring at my parents’ house. My dad was sharing a story about his first job, but my sister interrupted to check a work email that couldn’t wait. I noticed it in my dad’s eyes—a flicker of hurt, then resignation. He finished his story, but it felt like he was talking to a wall.
That moment stuck with me. My sister loves our dad and would do anything for him. Yet, without realizing it, she made him feel invisible in his own home.
Many of us are slowly pushing our older parents to the sidelines of family life without even noticing. It’s not deliberate hurt; it’s subtle behaviors that add up. Over time, these small actions can strain relationships until we can’t understand why.
Here are some common ways this happens:
Digital Conversations: Family updates have shifted to group texts, often filled with memes and emojis. For many Boomers, this feels like a language they don’t understand. A cousin announced a pregnancy via TikTok, and while some got it right away, others were left confused and out of the loop.
Dismissing Concerns: How often have we heard an older relative voice worry, only to brush it off? I realized that my parents’ concerns about money came from their experiences—recessions and job losses—that shaped their view of security. Their advice, though it may seem outdated, often has deep roots.
Making Decisions Without Their Input: A friend’s adult children changed their family holiday plans without her parents’ involvement. They thought they were simplifying things, but they excluded her parents from important family traditions.
Ignoring Their Stories: As my parents downsized, every item held a memory. But how often do we pause to truly listen to their stories? When we treat their memories as unimportant, we disregard the people behind them.
Public Corrections: It’s easy to fact-check parents in front of others. While we think we’re being helpful, it can strip away their dignity. There’s a kinder way to share accurate info without making them feel small.
Assuming They Can’t Learn: When my mother wanted to learn video calling, my brother worried it would be too hard for her. But this assumption can stop them from trying new things. Encouragement can lead to growth at any age.
Planning Without Them: Families often decide when and where to gather without consulting the older generation. This sends a clear message: their time isn’t as valuable as ours.
Revising Family History: After discussing mental health with my parents, I realized I had misunderstood many family stories. We often reinterpret their experiences through our modern lens, which can erase the complexities of their lives.
Moving Conversations Online: With so much family communication happening via social media, those less tech-savvy feel isolated. I witnessed this after my father’s heart attack; while everyone else was connected online, he felt alone and forgotten.
Most of us don’t aim to push our parents away. We’re just caught in our routines, forgetting that our “normal” might make them feel lonely.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step to change. You don’t need grand gestures; sometimes, it takes small acts like putting down your phone or calling rather than texting.
Ultimately, we won’t remember the emails we answered during their stories or the shortcuts we took. What will stick with us are the meaningful conversations and the laughter we shared. It’s a question of what kind of memories we want to create with them.
For more insights on family dynamics and generational communication, you can explore this harvard.edu article which discusses the importance of family connections across different ages.
