We raise our kids and then suddenly, the family group chat is the only place we see them. But some parents keep a close bond with their adult children without hovering or guilt trips. What do they do differently? Here are nine habits I’ve gathered from coaching families, talking to psychologists, and testing these ideas myself.
1. Treating Adults Like Adults
Respect is crucial. A dad once shared that he still calls the bank for his 30-year-old daughter. While it might seem helpful, it doesn’t strengthen their relationship. Family psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein explains that respecting your adult child’s boundaries builds trust. Instead of jumping in to help, ask, “Do you want my thoughts?” A simple celebration of their achievements, like saying “Nice job!” goes a long way.
2. Checking In Lightly
When was the last time you texted your child just to say hello? Parents who remain close send low-pressure texts—memes, jokes, or even silly pet photos. Research from Amherst College shows that small, affectionate moments keep relationships strong. One mom I know sends only casual texts on weekdays, letting her son share more and feel freer.
3. Listening More Than Lecturing
Many young adults feel their parents interrupt them when they vent. A twenty-something client once said her mom always jumped in with advice. Instead, try asking, “That sounds tough—can you tell me more?” According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, maintaining a positive interaction ratio is key during conflicts. Listening builds a bridge for future conversations.
4. Offering Advice Only When Asked
Unsolicited advice can feel intrusive. Think of advice as a gift that requires permission. A simple “Want my thoughts?” acknowledges their independence. If they decline, respect that. Sometimes, holding back can say “I trust you” louder than offering unsolicited guidance.
5. Celebrating Small Wins
Milestones like graduations are easy to celebrate. But don’t forget the small victories, too. Texting, “So proud of you for tackling that laundry!” can mean a lot. Celebrating these mundane moments can build a positive relationship over time.
6. Creating New Rituals
Old family traditions may need refreshing. Consider setting up regular virtual coffee dates or sharing audiobooks. The actual activity isn’t as important as consistency. Shared moments show your child they still hold a special place in your life.
7. Sharing Personal Experiences
Conversations can feel one-sided when parents only ask questions. Instead, share your own stories! Mention something funny or relatable from your day. This openness invites your child to do the same, deepening your connection.
8. Staying Curious
Being curious about your child’s interests can help you connect better. Spend time learning about their hobbies—even if they’re not what you usually enjoy. For instance, ask them for a playlist or recipe, and genuinely engage with it.
9. Cultivating Your Own Joy
It’s essential not to rely on your kids for happiness. Pursue your own interests, be it gardening or volunteer work. When you lead a rich life, your freedom can foster a closer relationship with your adult children.
In summary, staying connected to your grown kids isn’t about magic—it’s about daily choices. Focus on respect, curiosity, and small, meaningful connections. The goal isn’t to exert influence but to create a safe space where they feel comfortable to share. Remember, it’s the little things that strengthen relationships.
For more insights on maintaining healthy family dynamics, check out Psychology Today for tips from experts.
