Last Thanksgiving, I found myself at the end of the table, lost in thought. My daughter kept glancing my way, worried I was shutting down. My son-in-law refilled my glass without asking, and my granddaughter leaned over to check on me. But I was fine. I was quietly navigating a familiar situation.
Being silent in a room full of loved ones isn’t the same as being withdrawn. It’s a calculation I make every time you’re faced with the cost of sharing deep thoughts. This isn’t about discomfort; it’s about self-preservation.
The Reality of Quietness
Many believe that a quiet person at a gathering has checked out. Yet, research tells a different story. A study from 2020 found that suppressing expression isn’t inherently harmful. What really matters is the reason behind that silence. Sometimes, it’s a protective choice rather than a sign of disengagement.
Having taught English for over three decades, I know the importance of words. Yet, some family settings have unspoken rules that make it hard to voice certain truths without causing tension.
Take the stuffing, for instance. When someone asks why I won’t eat it, I must decide quickly whether to explain my vegan journey or simply say I’m not hungry. Each time I choose silence, it’s a conscious decision to avoid uncomfortable social costs.
Understanding Inner Silence
For those of us who often remain quiet, silence is not an emptiness. During that Thanksgiving dinner, I reflected on my family’s history and thought about the person I used to be. I was processing memories, feelings, and experiences, all while remaining outwardly still.
Research by Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan suggests that those with strong self-reflection skills often appear disengaged while actually being deeply engaged in their thoughts. It’s a fascinating contradiction: the quietest individuals can be the most active internally.
An Age-Old Challenge
As we age, this translation issue grows. When I was younger, explaining my choices felt simpler. Now, with a lifetime of experiences shaping my perspectives, discussing my beliefs exposes layers nobody has the time to explore during a family meal.
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology highlights how older adults become more selective about their emotional investments. We realize not all feelings need to be shared; sometimes, it’s enough just to feel them.
The Unasked Question
What troubles me at family gatherings is that no one asks the right question. They wonder if I’m okay or if I want to lie down, but nobody takes a chance to ask what’s on my mind. This requires genuine curiosity, a willingness to hear and engage in deeper conversations that don’t always fit with the rhythm of casual family chats.
While these lighter exchanges hold their own value, they often miss those of us quietly broadcasting on a different frequency.
Embracing Stillness
After years of encouraging my students to find their voices, I now understand the power of silence. It’s not the absence of words, but the ability to recognize when sharing isn’t appropriate. Stillness, for people like me, is a rich tapestry of thoughts and feelings, held and understood privately.
As I sat there that Thanksgiving, I felt the love around me. I squeezed my granddaughter’s hand and assured her I was wonderful. Because even in silence, I was not alone. I was simply carrying thoughts that didn’t need to be shared.
The emotional cost of pretending to be someone I’m not is often higher than simply being still. In the end, silence is not a withdrawal but a profound expression of love and understanding.
