As the child of an immigrant, I’ve often felt torn between two worlds. My mother is from Mexico, and my father is American. This mix of cultures, identities, and religions has led to many questions. Am I too American? Do I look Brown enough? Am I speaking the right kind of Spanish? These thoughts can be confusing and isolating.
Many people face similar challenges. Feelings like shame, confusion, and the search for cultural identity can arise from trying to fit in. This struggle is something that therapist Sahaj Kaur Kohli explores in her book, But What Will People Say? Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love, and Family Between Cultures.
Kohli started the online community Brown Girl Therapy to support individuals who often feel excluded from mental health discussions. She aims to reshape therapy and self-care to better serve those of us navigating complex cultural identities. Raised in a predominantly white neighborhood in Virginia, Kohli often found her Indian and Sikh background clashing with Western individualism. Her memoir combines personal stories with professional insights, providing advice for children of immigrants grappling with their emotions and family dynamics.
In my conversation with Kohli, she shared why she chose the title of her book. When she sought therapy, her parents worried about how others would perceive their family. Kohli reflected on how this is a common theme in many immigrant families, where the collective opinion of the community often overshadows individual needs.
Gisselle Medina: You chose the title But What Will People Say? because it embodies your parents’ fears about how others might view you. Why is this so significant?
Sahaj Kaur Kohli: It’s significant because it captures the struggle between individual and collective identity. Growing up, I often worried about fitting into both cultures. I felt I wasn’t Indian enough in one community and too American in another. That feeling leaves many children of immigrants feeling inadequate.
Writing this book was a healing journey for Kohli. It required her to confront and process personal experiences, which was difficult but necessary. Many self-help books don’t resonate with her background, often written from an individualistic viewpoint. Kohli aimed to integrate her story with guidance, ensuring readers can find their own paths to healing.
GM: What inspired you to be personal in your writing? How do you care for yourself when revisiting painful experiences?
SKK: Writing about these experiences was challenging. It forced me to revisit uncomfortable emotions and recognize my own struggles, despite my role as a therapist. I wanted to share my story because I found few resources that represented my cultural experiences. I aimed to connect with readers in a meaningful way, using my journey to help them find their own.
Acculturation, or how we adapt to new cultures while retaining aspects of our heritage, plays a big role in identity formation. In her book, Kohli references John Berry’s model of acculturation, which illustrates the various ways people navigate their cultural identities. Some cling tightly to their heritage, while others assimilate deeply into the new culture, leaving their roots behind.
GM: Can you elaborate on the role acculturation plays in shaping the identities of children of immigrants?
SKK: Acculturation affects how children relate to both their heritage and their American identity. For instance, some parents believe that adopting the new culture will make life easier for their kids. Others, like mine, prioritized cultural traditions. This difference influences how children form their identities, whether they feel pride or disconnect.
Choosing to reflect on our upbringing helps us understand our identities better. In her practice, Kohli encourages individuals to explore their unique bicultural experiences and how those shape their lives.
GM: How crucial is cultural competence in therapy?
SKK: Cultural sensitivity is essential. I prefer “sensitivity” over “competence” because no therapist can fully grasp someone else’s life experiences. It’s vital to find therapists who ask the right questions and genuinely want to learn about you. This mutual curiosity breeds comfort—a key ingredient for successful therapy.
Ultimately, you are the expert on your own life. A good therapist respects your story and supports your journey, regardless of their background.
GM: What key lessons do you hope readers will take away from your book?
SKK: I want readers to feel seen and recognized. Many express that this book reflects their experiences for the first time. It’s written to empower them to find their paths. My goal was to stimulate thought rather than provide all the answers since each person must find their unique solutions. It’s about self-empowerment and exploring one’s identity—a necessary journey for everyone, especially children of immigrants.
Kohli’s work has sparked meaningful conversations between immigrant parents and their children, promoting understanding and connection. Her hope is that this book serves as a valuable resource for anyone, whether they are children of immigrants or not, fostering deeper discussions about mental health and identity.
