Breaking Down My Annual Sex Quota: Why Does it Spark Such Controversy?

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Got a question? Ask Stoya and Rich here—it’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I identify as queer and have recently opened up to new sexual experiences. In my 20s, I had just one partner, but now I’m exploring the world of casual hookups. I like setting goals, so I target one new encounter each month. Some months this works out, and others, not so much. For me, it’s less about the number than embracing this new chapter in my sexual journey. It keeps things exciting for me.

I often meet people for coffee first. I want to know who they are, ensuring that we exchange details like preferences and safe words. It’s usually a light-hearted setup, as I’m looking for short-term connections.

Recently, a friend seemed taken aback when I shared my goal. I’m not sure if they saw it as objectifying or felt a need for more details about my plan. Is it wrong to have a target like that? How can I navigate this while being kind and clear with potential partners?

—Good With Google Calendar

Dear Good With Google Calendar,

Don’t let one friend’s reaction discourage you. Your goals are valid, and they reflect your evolving desires. Their discomfort could stem from personal issues—maybe they feel judged or wish they could explore more themselves. It’s good to seek understanding, but not every reaction is worth taking to heart.

The way you engage with partners seems respectful. You clearly communicate your intentions, and that’s important in casual relationships. You don’t owe anyone a lengthy explanation about your plans. If someone asks, be honest, but you also have the right to keep some details private. Your approach is not shameful; you can organize your life as you see fit. To avoid unwanted judgment, consider holding back on sharing your numerical goals. Focus on your own path without stress about others’ opinions.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I recently moved into a charming, but drafty, old house. Winter is here, and we’re bundled up just to keep warm. It’s not a big deal, but it does make things tricky for intimacy. I can’t help but yelp when his cold hands touch me! What can we do to keep warm during sex without feeling trapped under blankets? Should we look into cozy bedding options, or is there a solution I’m missing?

—May to December Romance

Dear May to December Romance,

You might want to try different positions that work with the blankets. One option is to lie on your sides facing each other for easy movement. This way, you avoid the uncomfortable weight of a plank and can still enjoy intimacy.

Another idea is to consider light clothing that allows easy access—think about a onesie or pajamas with clever openings. And for those colder nights, space heaters, heated blankets, or even warm showers can help you avoid the chill altogether.

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Dear How to Do It,

I bought a pricey rabbit-style vibe from a “best of” list, but it’s too big for me and uncomfortable. I can’t return it now that it’s opened. How can I responsibly dispose of it?

—Saving the Earth One Dildo at a Time

Dear Saving the Earth One Dildo at a Time,

Great question! According to Lisa Finn from Babeland, recycling sex toys can be tricky due to health regulations. Some e-waste facilities may accept them, while others won’t. It’s worth checking local guidelines, as many will label them under vague terms. You could also look into dismantling the toy to recycle components individually, but be careful with electrical parts.

If you have friends open to the idea, and if the toy is made from safe materials, you might disinfect and gift it to them. Otherwise, get creative—turn that unwanted vibe into art or a playful conversation piece. After all, finding a creative reuse is much better than it ending up in a landfill!

—Rich

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