DEAR ABBY: I lost my wonderful mother-in-law five years ago. Since then, my father-in-law has gotten engaged to a woman who isn’t exactly well-liked by our family. She’s often unkind and tends to create tension at our gatherings.
Now, they’ve set a wedding date that falls on my birthday. This has hit me hard. With both my parents gone, my birthday has always had special meaning. It’s one of the few days I felt truly celebrated. I’m worried that from now on, every birthday will remind me of their wedding and all the mixed emotions that come with it.
Is it selfish to ask them to pick another date? I don’t want to stir up drama, but I feel deeply hurt. How can I handle this without making things worse? — TORN BETWEEN GRACE AND GRIEF
DEAR TORN: I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. While your birthday means a lot to you, it belongs to both you and your father-in-law. It sounds like you have reservations about his choice of partner. However, asking them to change their wedding date might not be well-received. Instead of focusing on this, consider finding ways to make your birthday special, even in a different context.
DEAR ABBY: I’m 67, and my husband is 68. For the last six years, we’ve been caring for aging parents. My father-in-law suffered from Alzheimer’s and passed away a few years back. My mother-in-law, now 87, refuses to move into a nursing home. So, my sister-in-law and I help by cooking for her, while my husband handles maintenance at her home. Although we are retired, our lives center around her needs.
Recently, my daughter, my only child, expressed she loves us but doesn’t want to take care of any of us when we age. She wants to enjoy her retirement and travel instead. I understand her feelings, but I’m also hurt. We’ve set everything up to go to her after we’re gone, but it seems we might need those resources for assisted living. Is it normal for kids these days to avoid caring for their aging parents? — REVISING PLANS IN MISSOURI
DEAR REVISING: This situation is indeed not uncommon today. Many parents find themselves surprised when their children voice similar feelings. It’s important that your daughter is being honest with you now; this gives you a chance to plan ahead for your future needs.
Many families face these dilemmas, making it essential to have open, honest conversations. According to a recent study by the Pew Research Center, about 40% of adult children express reluctance to become caregivers due to their own life priorities. This can be tough to hear, but starting a dialogue might help everyone find common ground.
Having clear expectations on both sides may ease some tension and allow for solutions that honor everyone’s wish to maintain their independence while considering your needs.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips. You can reach her at DearAbby.com.
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