Dear Annie:
I need some advice about my friend, Marcy. We’ve been friends for about six years. She was supportive when my mother was alive, and she helps with my kids. Marcy is single, on disability, and can’t drive. I work full time and do my best to help her when I can.
Recently, Marcy has been asking me to drive her to a specialty clinic out of state. This trip isn’t through her doctor; she set it up herself. To take her would mean I’d have to take three to four days off work and drive eight hours each way during winter weather.
A few months ago, she visited a different clinic in another state. It didn’t offer more help than her local options, and she even ended up hospitalized while there.
I’ve suggested other ways for her to get there, but she insists those won’t work. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I genuinely think this trip won’t help, and I can’t sacrifice my job for it. I’ve also noticed that her health problems have worsened, especially since Elaine, the relative she lives with, started cancer treatment.
Over the past two years, Marcy has pushed away most of our mutual friends, often claiming they don’t spend enough time with her. This pattern has made her nearly end friendships, including ours, over minor issues.
When Marcy and Elaine stayed with us for a bit, I noticed that when stress increased—like with Elaine’s treatments—Marcy would retreat and often end up needing hospitalization. It’s alarming; she’s been hospitalized more than Elaine recently.
I’m at a loss about how to support her. Any advice would help.
Dear Caring but Confused:
You’ve shown remarkable kindness to Marcy, but even the best friends have limits. Driving eight hours in winter and taking days off work for a non-referral appointment is a lot to ask. You’ve offered her other solutions, but she hasn’t accepted them.
The pattern you’ve witnessed—her health crises escalating with stress—suggests she may need more support than friends alone can provide. You might gently encourage her to speak with a doctor or counselor about her situation. If she reacts negatively, remember that a friend shouldn’t demand so much from you.
You’ve done what you can. It’s time for Marcy to seek professional help. Taking this step could lead to the real support she needs.
Additional Insights:
It’s important to recognize the impact of mental health on physical well-being. According to the World Health Organization, about one in four people experience a mental health issue at some point in their lives. Stress can trigger or worsen physical ailments, which may explain Marcy’s hospitalizations.
Furthermore, social support plays a critical role in recovery. A study from the American Psychological Association found that friends can help reduce feelings of anxiety and depression. However, it’s essential for friends like you to maintain boundaries. When support becomes one-sided, it can lead to burnout.
Encouraging Marcy to seek professional help can be empowering for her. You’re not just a friend; you’re someone looking out for her long-term well-being. With the right support, she might find healthier ways to cope with her stress.
