From Fraternity House to the White House: UW Frat Boy Appointed as New U.S. Secretary of Education

In a surprising move, President Trump has withdrawn his nomination of Linda McMahon for Secretary of Education. Instead, he has chosen Kyle Whiteman, a local college student from UW Madison.

This news broke earlier this week on Trump’s YikYak account, under the handle bigBootyTrump. Whiteman, a business major, seems to have caught the President’s eye, although it’s unclear how Trump first learned about him. Sources close to Trump suggest that Kyle’s name resonated with him in some way.

Many Americans are doubtful about Whiteman’s qualifications for such an important role. But Trump quickly defended his choice. He tweeted, “I met Kyle Whiteman last week, and let me tell you, his coloring pages are top-notch. If you saw them, you’d understand why he’s perfect for this job.”

Whiteman’s visit to the White House included a celebratory game of beer pong on the lawn with fraternity brothers from across the country.

In an interview with The Badger Herald, Kyle shared, “The President is surprisingly chill. We’re thinking of inviting him to our frat for a party soon.”

When asked about the teacher shortage and low salaries in education, Whiteman suggested shifting the curriculum away from traditional subjects like English and math. He proposed introducing classes that focus on personal finance, basic business, and more physical education. He expressed concern that young people today lack knowledge of stock trading and important financial concepts.

Our conversation veered into some curious past events, particularly Whiteman’s unexplained absence from campus in January 2021. He said he had to rush to a convenience store after running out of his favorite snacks.

Interestingly, Kyle isn’t the only student from UW being tapped for a government position. Freshman Sarah Smith was nominated for Attorney General, but she expressed her doubts. “Please don’t nominate me,” she urged. “I’ve never taken a law class and know very little about the legal system. The extent of my knowledge comes from watching a couple of episodes of Suits.”

Trump praised Sarah, calling her “a hot prospect” and emphasizing her honesty as a key trait for a government leader.

During her confirmation hearing, senators asked lighthearted questions, often joking with Sarah, who struggled to answer any legal-type inquiries. Despite her concerns and lack of experience, she was approved with a 75 to 25 vote. It’s expected that Whiteman will have a similarly smooth confirmation process.

According to our reliable sources, there are more potential nominees from UW Madison. For Secretary of Defense, Trump is considering a computer science major, citing the student’s distinctive personal hygiene as a unique defense mechanism. There are discussions about developing a special device to leverage this trait in a military context.

For Secretary of the Interior, the Trump administration is eyeing a major in interior design. It remains unclear if Trump is aware that this role doesn’t actually involve decorating the White House.