“Is It Wrong to Be Upset? When My Friend Returned Food at a Restaurant Three Times – An Insider’s Perspective” – The Boston Globe

We’re revisiting some classic columns by Robin Abrahams. Here’s one from 2007 that might resonate with you.

My boyfriend, his friend, and I went to a restaurant known for its unique pizzas. The friend didn’t read the menu closely and ended up ordering something he didn’t like. After taking one bite, he complained to the waitress, who offered to replace it. He repeated this with a second pizza but disliked that too! Finally, he got a third dish, which he begrudgingly ate. I’ve never sent food back, so I felt embarrassed. My boyfriend spoke to him, but he refuses to apologize, blaming the restaurant for bad food. Am I wrong to feel upset?

N.B. / Cambridge

No, you’re not wrong to feel this way. While your feelings are valid, remember you’re taking on someone else’s poor behavior too personally. Yes, his actions were inappropriate. If the food is spoiled or incorrect, it’s fair to send it back. But if you just don’t like it, the usual adult response is to eat a bit, move the food around your plate, and enjoy the company.

It’s puzzling why your boyfriend’s friend thought sending food back multiple times would somehow produce a different result. If he didn’t like the first two pizzas, why would a third be any better? This isn’t a serious issue like racism or harassment, so it doesn’t warrant intervention from others. If his behavior continues to annoy you, it’s okay to let your boyfriend know. You can choose to excuse yourself from their outings if you feel uncomfortable.

My husband and I are in our late 20s and often have friends over for dinner. We hardly receive return invitations, and it’s tiring being the only hosts. We grew up with the idea that you should return invitations. Is that still a thing? How should we handle friends who don’t reciprocate?

K.T. / Watertown

Social norms change over time, and there’s no strict rule about returning invitations. So, what if the rule expired? Would it change your feelings? Probably not.

Instead of focusing on those narrow rules, think about broader principles. First, friends should give and receive graciously. Maybe your friends aren’t big cooks but are generous in other ways—donating to your causes or helping you out when you’re away. Appreciate their contributions based on what they’re good at.

Second, if you feel drained hosting friends who don’t return the favor, stop. Change things up and suggest potlucks or invite yourself over with an offer to bring wine for takeout. Adapt your gatherings to what suits you and your friends.

Have a question? Feel free to submit it, and we might address it in future columns.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer and psychologist.

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