I just turned seventy recently. My kids threw me a party filled with balloons and cake. My son stood up to say some nice words about how I always put my family first. I smiled and thanked him, but later, as I sat alone in my kitchen, I realized that’s exactly the issue.
In trying to be the responsible father and husband, I lost sight of a crucial question: What do I actually want? Not what’s expected of me or what seems reasonable, but what I truly desire for my life.
For forty years, I didn’t ask myself that. It wasn’t that I was too busy; rather, I was waiting for someone to tell me it was okay to ask.
The Waiting Game
There’s a concept called introjected regulation. It’s when you do things not because you truly want to, but because you’ve absorbed others’ expectations. The pressure feels normal, and wanting something different seems selfish or impractical. This mindset kept me from pursuing my genuine interests.
I settled for a safe job, stayed in it out of obligation, and set aside my interests for the sake of my family and career. Each time I thought about focusing on what I wanted, something else emerged: school fees turned to wedding costs, then thoughts about retirement. There was always a reason to postpone my desires.
As a result, that part of me—the one that wants things—grew quieter until I could barely hear it.
The Cost of Regret
Psychologist Thomas Gilovich has studied what people regret the most. His findings show that, in the short term, people regret actions they took, but in the long run, they regret opportunities they missed. In fact, 74% of regrets from older adults relate to things they didn’t do, not mistakes made along the way.
When I read this, it hit me hard. My regret isn’t just about missed chances; it’s about living without understanding what I wanted. I spent decades with my desires silenced.
The Need for Permission
Here’s what I wish someone had told me when I was younger: you don’t need permission to want for yourself. No one will hand it to you. The world loves your compliance and will take your time without question. The power to pursue your passions has to come from you.
Research supports this idea. Studies have shown that autonomy—being the author of your own choices—is essential for well-being. When people feel their lives are entirely based on others’ expectations, they can feel empty. It doesn’t matter if you have a good job or a loving family; if you’re not living for yourself, you can feel lost.
For years, I thought being responsible was all that mattered. But neglecting my desires didn’t make those parts of me disappear; they just went underground.
Advice to My Younger Self
If I could talk to my younger self, I wouldn’t tell him to work less or to travel more. Those are surface-level regrets. I’d say this: wanting things for yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential. Thinking you need someone’s permission to pursue your desires can be a costly lie. The longer you wait, the more distant your true self becomes.
I’d explain that prioritizing others isn’t inherently noble. If you do it for decades without taking care of your needs, you may end up regretting it. People ultimately remember if you truly lived, not just if you were always available.
Now, at seventy, I realize the door was never locked. I was just waiting for someone else to open it for me. And the permission I sought? It was always mine to give.
In understanding this now, I feel a clarity I wish I had embraced earlier. I spent too long waiting. But now, I know I have the power to choose.
This journey has taught me an important truth about life: don’t wait for the world’s green light. If you have desires, chase them. You deserve to live fully.
