For a long time, I struggled to stick to my goals. I tried diets, gym routines, meditation, and even language apps. I’d begin with enthusiasm, but soon I’d lose interest. I believed the problem was a lack of willpower. Everyone else seemed to manage, so I thought I was fundamentally flawed.
Then, at 30, I launched a business. This changed everything. I worked long hours, learned new skills, and tackled challenges with excitement. I easily managed projects and created systems from scratch. It wasn’t about discipline; it was about motivation.
Why Do We Stick to Some Goals?
Research by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan on self-determination theory reveals why some things motivate us while others don’t. According to the theory, motivation exists on a spectrum. On one end, we act because of external pressures—like rewards or fear of judgment. On the opposite end, we do things because they align with our values and interests.
Studies show that when people are motivated by their true interests, they perform better and maintain long-term habits. For instance, a meta-analysis published in the journal Psychological Bulletin demonstrated that autonomous motivation is linked with healthier behaviors across various fields like education and sports. It turns out that being connected to what we do makes a huge difference.
My Business vs. My Failed Goals
Looking back, I see why I failed at those goals. They weren’t mine. Diets were about how I thought I should look, not how I wanted to eat. Gym routines were dictated by trends and not what I enjoyed. Meditation felt like another box to check off, not something I genuinely wanted to do.
This kind of motivation, known as introjected regulation, can lead to bursts of effort followed by burnout. On the other hand, my business met my needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness. I was passionate about building something with friends, so I didn’t have to force myself to work.
The Shift in Perspective
Once I understood this difference, I changed my approach. Instead of asking, “Why can’t I stick to this?” I began to ask, “Do I really want this?” This question helped me discard many goals I had inherited from others.
I replaced rigid diets with healthy eating habits that felt right for me. I traded structured workouts for running, something I genuinely enjoy. My language learning became a personalized journey, not a forced task.
I realized that discipline is a byproduct of pursuing what truly matters to us, not a strict regimen imposed from the outside.
If You Feel Stuck
If you struggle with a goal, remember this: if you can immerse yourself in a project that excites you for hours, it’s not about laziness. The issue is likely the alignment between your goals and your true interests.
Instead of pushing yourself harder, reflect on your motivations. Are your goals genuinely yours, or are they borrowed from societal expectations? It’s crucial to identify what truly resonates with you.
I spent years thinking I was flawed, but I was simply running on fuel that didn’t belong to me. When I chose goals that inspired me, discipline emerged naturally.
In the end, it’s not about trying harder; it’s about being true to yourself.
For further reading, check out the comprehensive insights on self-determination theory here.
