A few months back, I witnessed a moment unfold between a friend and his adult daughter that really struck me. She was in her mid-20s, relaxed and laughing, when she casually mentioned considering a job change. My friend instantly jumped into action, offering her a detailed strategy on negotiation and career moves, complete with personal anecdotes.
Instead of engaging, she nodded and glanced at her phone. “Yeah, I’ll figure it out,” she said. That was the end of the conversation. Though he meant well, he created an environment that felt unsafe for her to share. Adult children often stop seeking advice, not because they don’t respect their parents, but because it feels burdened with judgment.
The Importance of Connection Over Information
In my past work in luxury hospitality, we learned that guests return not just for great food but for how they feel when they’re there. The same applies to conversations. If giving advice feels like you’re judging or lecturing, they’ll hesitate to reach out. When adult kids seek advice, they want understanding and support, not just information.
When they share something, reflect on your response: are you asking questions, or giving conclusions? Asking questions like, “What’s challenging you the most?” keeps the door open, whereas responding with commands or solutions can shut it down.
Misunderstanding Support
Many parents think they are being helpful when they’re actually being controlling. After years of guiding and protecting, it’s hard to switch gears. When adult children perceive advice as controlling, it suggests a lack of trust. Phrases like “You need to do this” convey that you don’t believe in their judgment. If they feel controlled, they’ll be less likely to approach you for guidance again.
Tolerating Discomfort
Parents often rush to fix problems because they can’t handle seeing their kids in pain. Sometimes, it’s about managing their own anxiety. But when advice is given in a rush, it becomes more about the parent’s feelings. To create a safe space, ask, “Do you want comfort, or would you like some ideas?” This empowers them and reduces emotional labor on their end.
Unsolicited Advice
Here’s a tough truth: sometimes, adult kids stop asking for advice simply because they already know you’ll provide it uninvited. When they mention their struggles, you might instinctively jump into action with solutions. But they might simply want to be heard. A better approach is often to ask, “Do you want my take?” Respecting their answer—be it yes or no—makes you a safer person to talk to.
Listening vs. Talking
Another key point is the balance of conversation. If you find yourself talking more than asking questions, your adult child might feel unheard. They don’t want to feel like they’re in a classroom; they seek genuine understanding. Shift your focus to asking thoughtful questions, like, “What do you want most from this situation?” This not only shows respect but also provides you with better insights into their actual issues.
Emotional Stakes
Adult kids sometimes see seeking advice as a test of loyalty. They worry about disappointing their parents if they choose a different path. This creates a reluctance to share. If they sense that their decisions reflect on you, they’ll pull back. It’s vital to communicate that their choices are theirs alone.
Reinventing Your Role
Parenting adult children means taking on a new role. Instead of directing, you should be there as a sounding board. Wouldn’t it be nice to be someone they choose to turn to for perspective? To make that shift, a calm response can help. Try validating their feelings, asking what they plan to do, and offering your input only if they ask for it.
Conclusion
If your adult children aren’t seeking your advice, it might not be about respect. They might feel heavy pressure instead. The aim isn’t to have a big heart-to-heart. It’s about listening more and allowing them to feel safe in sharing. When they know they can open up without judgment, they’ll seek not just advice but closeness—even more valuable than advice itself.
In recent years, studies have shown that emotional safety significantly impacts relationships. Building a space where your kids can share openly without fear of consequences fosters deeper connections. This isn’t just about advice; it’s about nurturing a lasting bond.
For more insights on emotional safety in relationships, check out this comprehensive study.
